Three years
And some odd drunken nights
That you showed up at my door
Reeking of whiskey and rum
From the antics of hours before
.
I remember feeling lost in your eyes.
So used to my love that it became invisible
Not worth recognizing.
Not worth acknowledging.
Thrown in a corner.
.
So consumed, you were, with living it up
that you left me alone and on my own
feeling detached from the only person I felt my heart was tethered to.
.
I believed, sometimes, that you were just ignorant.
I stayed.
I believed, sometimes, that you did love me.
I stayed.
.
But I remember one night after the sun had gone
that I whispered those words to you
That I could no longer stay,
and that I had to leave. That you should leave.
.
Often times I forget
the weeks I spent alone crying until I became ill
and not caring about myself.
I often forget about the bathroom floor where I laid for so long.
The thoughts in my head that almost killed me.
The time that I thought I was going to die, pouring sweat and seeing black, stuck on a floor surrounded by people I barely knew.
The time you didn’t come.
I forget that I thought of you.
.
I forget about your lips on another
I forget about you fighting for the scraps that I had left of myself like a dog picking at the empty carcass of a prey animal killed months ago, years even.
.
I often forget.
.
I felt withered.
I felt alone.
You left me alone.
But I wanted that.
.
Because alone is where I found myself
I cradled my head and said comforts for my ears only.
I wrapped myself in my own arms.
I picked myself up from the lowliest place I’ve ever been.
And when I finally stood up,
I found the person I had been looking for.
I became the person that I love.
.
Still, I find myself forgetting her.
But he reminds me.
He listens,
he tries
Like no other that I’ve met.
.
He loves my soul
even though I can be lost.
He sees me
even when I want to hide.
He brings laughter and warmth
Light and hope
Beauty and love
anywhere he goes.
.
I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life
I’ve never felt so at home in a heart,
so welcomed and open.
.
Gone are the days that I longed to be alone,
those thoughts flew out the window the night that we saw each other.
Gone are the days where I was stuck in my head, hoping for someone to throw me a line.
The days my eyes were deserts
The days where I felt lost
The days that I felt sick of myself
.
Now I have days
where I stare out the window in the morning
taking in the sun and watching the world
wake up.
Now I have days
where I am nothing but content and at peace.
I have days that are brilliant,
shining with love so much that sometimes I cry because it’s so beautiful, what we have.
I have days that I snap pictures
when he’s not looking
so that I won’t ever forget.
I will never forget.
.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days
move slower
because I am present.
Cognitively aware that I love and am loved.
I feel more like myself now than I ever have.
I feel whole.