Three years

And some odd drunken nights

That you showed up at my door

Reeking of whiskey and rum

From the antics of hours before

.

I remember feeling lost in your eyes.

So used to my love that it became invisible

Not worth recognizing.

Not worth acknowledging.

Thrown in a corner.

.

So consumed, you were, with living it up

that you left me alone and on my own

feeling detached from the only person I felt my heart was tethered to.

.

I believed, sometimes, that you were just ignorant.

I stayed.

I believed, sometimes, that you did love me.

I stayed.

.

But I remember one night after the sun had gone

that I whispered those words to you

That I could no longer stay,

and that I had to leave. That you should leave.

.

Often times I forget

the weeks I spent alone crying until I became ill

and not caring about myself.

I often forget about the bathroom floor where I laid for so long.

The thoughts in my head that almost killed me.

The time that I thought I was going to die, pouring sweat and seeing black, stuck on a floor surrounded by people I barely knew.

The time you didn’t come.

I forget that I thought of you.

.

I forget about your lips on another

I forget about you fighting for the scraps that I had left of myself like a dog picking at the empty carcass of a prey animal killed months ago, years even.

.

I often forget.

.

I felt withered.

I felt alone.

You left me alone.

But I wanted that.

.

Because alone is where I found myself

I cradled my head and said comforts for my ears only.

I wrapped myself in my own arms.

I picked myself up from the lowliest place I’ve ever been.

And when I finally stood up,

I found the person I had been looking for.

I became the person that I love.

.

Still, I find myself forgetting her.

But he reminds me.

He listens,

he tries

Like no other that I’ve met.

.

He loves my soul

even though I can be lost.

He sees me

even when I want to hide.

He brings laughter and warmth

Light and hope

Beauty and love

anywhere he goes.

.

I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life

I’ve never felt so at home in a heart,

so welcomed and open.

.

Gone are the days that I longed to be alone,

those thoughts flew out the window the night that we saw each other.

Gone are the days where I was stuck in my head, hoping for someone to throw me a line.

The days my eyes were deserts

The days where I felt lost

The days that I felt sick of myself

.

Now I have days

where I stare out the window in the morning

taking in the sun and watching the world

wake up.

Now I have days

where I am nothing but content and at peace.

I have days that are brilliant,

shining with love so much that sometimes I cry because it’s so beautiful, what we have.

I have days that I snap pictures

when he’s not looking

so that I won’t ever forget.

I will never forget.

.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days

move slower

because I am present.

Cognitively aware that I love and am loved.

I feel more like myself now than I ever have.

I feel whole.

Advertisements