And some odd drunken nights
That you showed up at my door
Reeking of whiskey and rum
From the antics of hours before
I remember feeling lost in your eyes.
So used to my love that it became invisible
Not worth recognizing.
Not worth acknowledging.
Thrown in a corner.
So consumed, you were, with living it up
that you left me alone and on my own
feeling detached from the only person I felt my heart was tethered to.
I believed, sometimes, that you were just ignorant.
I believed, sometimes, that you did love me.
But I remember one night after the sun had gone
that I whispered those words to you
That I could no longer stay,
and that I had to leave. That you should leave.
Often times I forget
the weeks I spent alone crying until I became ill
and not caring about myself.
I often forget about the bathroom floor where I laid for so long.
The thoughts in my head that almost killed me.
The time that I thought I was going to die, pouring sweat and seeing black, stuck on a floor surrounded by people I barely knew.
The time you didn’t come.
I forget that I thought of you.
I forget about your lips on another
I forget about you fighting for the scraps that I had left of myself like a dog picking at the empty carcass of a prey animal killed months ago, years even.
I often forget.
I felt withered.
I felt alone.
You left me alone.
But I wanted that.
Because alone is where I found myself
I cradled my head and said comforts for my ears only.
I wrapped myself in my own arms.
I picked myself up from the lowliest place I’ve ever been.
And when I finally stood up,
I found the person I had been looking for.
I became the person that I love.
Still, I find myself forgetting her.
But he reminds me.
Like no other that I’ve met.
He loves my soul
even though I can be lost.
He sees me
even when I want to hide.
He brings laughter and warmth
Light and hope
Beauty and love
anywhere he goes.
I’ve never felt so sure of anything in my life
I’ve never felt so at home in a heart,
so welcomed and open.
Gone are the days that I longed to be alone,
those thoughts flew out the window the night that we saw each other.
Gone are the days where I was stuck in my head, hoping for someone to throw me a line.
The days my eyes were deserts
The days where I felt lost
The days that I felt sick of myself
Now I have days
where I stare out the window in the morning
taking in the sun and watching the world
Now I have days
where I am nothing but content and at peace.
I have days that are brilliant,
shining with love so much that sometimes I cry because it’s so beautiful, what we have.
I have days that I snap pictures
when he’s not looking
so that I won’t ever forget.
I will never forget.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days
because I am present.
Cognitively aware that I love and am loved.
I feel more like myself now than I ever have.
I feel whole.