They say that it’s easy,

Fairytale status.

Sprinkled doughnuts.

It’s not.
It’s what keeps you awake all night.

It’s what makes you have nightmares.

It’s what makes you want to end your life.

It’s what aches inside of you,

Pulling you into that black abyss in your chest and feeling like you can never climb out.
It’s giving over your vulnerability.

Looking over your shoulder doesn’t even help.

There’s no comfort, no safety. You’re homeless and trusting in another to give you a home, otherwise your ship is sank.
Can you risk that?

Can you give up a huge part of you? Can you let what seemed so meaningful just a few short months ago flutter away for something that can ruin your life?

It is a drug. And it’s the worst kind of drug because it’s a soul, and you can’t escape a soul by throwing away a needle.

You can’t get rid of a soul by avoiding tobacco shops. It’s always with you. Always.
Once you take a hit, that’s it, no quit, mascara running down your face and then you hit a wall.

You have a taste of it, submerge yourself in it…

And then you find yourself hating your life after soaring so high a minute ago.

You sometimes learn to hate yourself. Sometimes I hate you. Sometimes I hate me. Sometimes I feel like nothing floating in a meaningless whirlpool of everything.
I wish in my whole heart to get rid of it. I want to be able to let go. But, I know that no matter what…I’ll come back for it again and again.

You think that dying is bad, try living with this. Try it and live, or don’t and live a purposeless life.
It’s the worst thing in the world.
It’s the best thing in the world.

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